10.13.25 // 9:03pm-10pm

My body isn't functioning properly and I don't like that. My allergies are acting up but the medicine helped my runny nose for now. I still have a slight headache and my body is a bit sore. It's just uncomfortable, I haven't been sick in a while. I'll live, it's just annoying. But I was fed a lot today so I should be thankful for the energy I do have.

They made pancakes for breakfast and brought me two even though I said no thank you. I still appreciate the sentiment but they were difficult to finish because of all the sugar. [smoke break] Then redacted made everyone chicken alfredo (very tasty). Then redacted got pizzas from redacted for dinner. They seem to have plenty of food here and keep insisting that I help myself to whatever I'd like. Something about it doesn't feel right. Why do I view it as me taking instead of them giving? I'm so used to having conditions attached to things I'm given. I'm really trying my best to feel calm and comfortable here. I smoked and stayed in redacted room for a bit this morning. It was nice having some alone time but then I started feeling guilty for isolating myself. I ended up moving to the kitchen table and worked there for the rest of the day. I mostly made some art, my brain was struggling to do more today. I wanted to edit some photos but I couldn't find my other SD cards. I need to do photography again, I miss it so much. But it is time consuming and I still have to figure out how I want to run my business. I need to make money to live and expand/ grow my business. I already drafted some products/ merch I can sell so we'll see how that goes.

I'm exhausted from constantly being on go, but I don't have the time to take a proper break yet. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this, but honestly I just want someone to talk to. I want to share my life with someone. I know I have friends but they don't know me the way a partner would. I wish I didn't think about this as much. Why can't I just focus this attention on myself. I've done it before but that's not enough motivation for me right now. I want someone to share life with.