12.23.25 // 2:35am-3:26am

I should be in bed but I'm dancing with my mind. It was conditioned to focus on the bad. I'm slowly retraining it to focus more on the positive. I noticed that I tend to write and ponder about my worries/troubles far more than anything else. I suppose it's because I need to release it, which is good, however it tends to consume me after a certain point. So, I have decided to start off writing the positives first. The rest can come later on.

The highlight of my day was when redacted painted my nails. I genuinely enjoy the way they came out and I had fun in the process. I told her she had creative liberty. She did my left hand green and blue, alternating colors. She did my right hand pink and purple, alternating colors. Each nail was topped with glitter after painting. I haven't had my nails painted in a while. I had forgotten how much joy it brings me. I have art on my nails to admire at any time. I have sensory stimulation at my finger tips because I like to rub the tops of my nails after I get them done. It's either very smooth or has some slight unique texture. It's nice.

Other than that I helped redacted wrap gifts for the kids. She does a lot for them. I'm thankful she's allowing me to be part of everything. Seeing how loving everyone in the family is reminds/shows me how dysfunctional the one I came from was. I don't note that to pity myself. I use it to show myself grace, healing from something like that is a never ending process. That's okay. We've already made it so far.

I have my testosterone appointment at 12:15pm. I'm excited to start again. I've been on and off since 2019. My life was so unstable I couldn't get myself to keep up with it consistently. My health/anything medical is usually not seen as important. Another learned behavior from my upbringing that I am working to improve. Anyway, I'm excited to start testosterone again. It helps me in many ways.

I need to go to bed. I'm starting to fall asleep while writing. I didn't realize how tired I am. Until next time.