10.15.25 // 11:07pm-11:50pm

I stayed in bed until the afternoon, a bit after 1pm. I mostly scrolled through TikTok while in bed. I didn't feel like doing anything.

I've been doing my best to avoid processing what happened with redacted. Parts are starting to slip through the cracks. It comes out in bursts, but I shut it down as soon as I recognize it. I don't want to have a mental break down right now. I have far too much to do. I have to talk to someone but nobody understands this. How could they? I don't expect anyone to understand, but I want someone to be there to listen at least. I want someone to share this experience with. I want to be loved properly. I don't know what that's like yet. I've just been trying to distract myself from all this. I'm watching a video while I write because I don't want to fully hear my thoughts. When I drive I blast the music but that doesn't always work. Anyway, I went to the redacted today to drop off the keys I accidentally took with me. redacted gave me some books he was getting rid of. I plan to repurpose them if they aren't too valuable. I also got some buttons, plastic gems, a mini frame, and redacted gave me a pack of trading cards I was interested in. I plan on using the materials to make art with. After the redacted I went to visit redacted. She shared her dinner with me, we talked, went to redacted to smoke and talk more.

I don't know what to do about these feelings. Feel them? I probably should. I don't want to right now. I used to talk to redacted about things like this. I think we will talk again at some point, when we're both ready, but I'm not sure when that'll be. That's okay. I don't need to know right now. I just hope he's doing well. I miss him. I don't like that I miss him. I wonder if he misses me too. I don't know. This is going to consume my mind if I'm not careful. I want to do drugs of some sort to keep my mind off of this. I know that's not a healthy option but at least I'd know how to deal with that better than this. I think part of it is having a broken heart but I don't know. I don't want to think about it.