10.20.25 // 9:46pm

A lot has happened this past weekend. We got kicked out of the redacted for "not fitting the vintage shop" but I know that's not the real reason. I've talked so much about it already that I don't feel like writing about it... but we're going to pick up redacted and redacted stuff tomorrow. I hope they don't do anything rude or petty but they're most likely going to. They say I'm too nice, but I don't see the benefit of retaliation here just to make them feel bad. I don't want to cause more trouble than what it's worth. redacted is seeing if we have a case against them. I don't plan on taking them to court. I just want to scare them, hopefully humble them in the process. redacted said the final straw for her was redacted asking to put out cards informing people about their rights. She said they don't like discussing politics or religion at their shop. I didn't like dealing with her and I don't want to deal with it tomorrow but oh well. Another learning lesson for the books. I definitely need to scope out businesses and their owners way more before attempting to collaborate with them. I'll stick to markets and events for now. I plan on having another free art studio open by the start of 2026. The community needs a space like that again. I just can't be tied down by it. I don't think I will be, but it's a fear/worry of mine.

There's so much to do. I spent so much time/energy running someone else's business. I need to figure out how to run my own. I have complete freedom of my time now. I don't always make the best decisions with that time. I'm going out/seeing "men" I shouldn't be wasting time with. I'm allowing myself to do this because I don't want to deal with processing my emotions. I know I'm prolonging the inevitable. I don't want to process what happened with redacted. It's starting to come out in random bursts when I'm alone. I usually just rant and scream out loud in my car. Sometimes I avoid driving because I'm more likely to think about all that right now.

I eventually want to talk to redacted again and be part of his life. I genuinely love him. That's why this is so difficult. Someone I love treated me in ways I wouldn't have treated him. I don't know if he truly loved me or not. I can't tell and that's messing with my head. I believed him at one point, but he's shown he's willing to lie to me for his benefit. I know we had to part ways in terms of the business. I just didn't expect him to go about it the way he did. I'll write more about that when I'm ready. My heart can't handle that right now. Well, it can, but it would be messy, might get ugly.

I don't care much about my sobriety right now. I tried powder again but I couldn't tell if it did anything. I think it helped me stay awake but I'm not sure. I plan on trying it again on Friday. We'll see how it goes. Part of me hopes nothing happens so I can just leave it alone. Part of me hopes it becomes an option to get me through shit.

I wish I could talk to redacted about stuff like this but I'm not ready to talk to him yet. He knew how to listen without judgement and told me what I needed to hear. I loved talking and listening to him when things were good between us. I liked being the person he called to talk to. I wish I was still that person for him. He never got to meet/experience what it's like to be my friend. He got to experience some aspects of it, but not fully as I would have liked. Maybe one day. I wonder if he still wants to be my friend. I'm sure he still thinks about me, but I wonder how often. He was the closest person in my circle, and now we're under no contact until one of us breaks the silence. I'm not sure when or who will reach out first. I suppose that doesn't matter right now. We both need to heal. I want to know his side of the story, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I may never get to know. My mind becomes consumed with all of this and then I force it to shut off.

I'm done writing for now. There's so much in my mind. It can't all fit on paper. But I'll write more again tomorrow and the next day. I'm committed to document at least some of this story. I know I'm going to share this one day.