10.22.25 // 11:50am-1:03pm

Where do I even begin? My head doesn't feel right. My energy is not aligned. My emotions are all out of whack. (I think I used that expression right?) I'm spending time outside this morning to write, smoke, think about life. My mind keeps being flooded by so many thoughts at once. I keep going back and forth between different timelines and it has gotten quite exhausting. The timeline leading to the ten of cups/pentacles is the one I'd like to be on. However, right now, the price to be in that timeline is processing and learning lessons from what happened between redacted and I.

We had a pretty unique relationship. I think it's at a point where I have to choose between a second chance with him, not knowing what that'll be like, or getting some type of justice for myself, and possibly never have him in my life again. With the first, it would require a thorough and honest discussion about both sides of the story. With the second, I'm still unsure of what justice for myself looks like. It would include wages I'm owed but that's just the cherry on top. I still don't have a cake to put it on. I rarely seek justice for myself, but I know there's a case I can/will win here. I'm not sure if it'll go all the way to court, that's up to him and the moves he makes. I'd rather settle this outside of court. But I'm still processing whatever the fuck our relationship was. I'm not even ready to document it yet because people will have their opinions/insights into what happened, and that usually helps lead me to my own conclusion of what happened. From the little I have shared the feedback hasn't been great but it has been true in some aspects. I don't know which parts were fake and which parts were real. The love felt so real. I saw his soul. I cared for him in ways I've never shown to other human beings. I know he genuinely loved me, but I don't know what or when it changed.

Our souls felt connected in many ways. I still love him. I think I always will. I wonder how different things would be if he learned to heal the shadows he locks away. He and I are the same in many ways. We just live different lives. He's still hiding who he is. I hope he learns to love himself. I wanted to help show him.