10.24.25 // 11:48pm-1:19am

Today has been interesting. I woke up around 2pm. I didn't like that, but others told me it's good that I got sleep. I still feel guilty for resting. I need to shake that feeling.

Around 2:45pm I drove with redacted mom to pick up redacted from school. It was nice chatting with her during the ride. I'm slowly getting more comfortable around everyone.

After getting back home I showered and drove to redacted house. redacted also met us there then drove us to redacted. We smoked and talked. I ended up applying to work there. Honestly I hope I get the job so I can save some money. It seems pretty laid back so I'm sure I could work on other stuff while I'm there. I don't plan on being there long. I'm thinking six months. Only doing two - three days per week. Four if I don't have anything else planned and want to make extra money. The employee I spoke to said I should hear back next week. I'm actually excited for this and that seems odd considering I don't want to work for anyone else. I see this case more so as easy money.

Once we were done at redacted we dropped redacted off at home. redacted and I went to an asl event at redacted that redacted invited us to. redacted also went with her kids. It was nice to experience the community I suppose. Most human beings, myself included, don't appreciate their ability to hear. That goes for any of the senses. We only stayed at the event for about an hour I think. After that, me, redacted, redacted, and redacted went to smoke in redacted car.

Lately I've been feeling out of place when I hang out with them. I'm going to start focusing my energy onto myself and what I want to do. I keep saying yes to things I don't actually want to do. I'm done doing that. I'm getting myself back on track. Letting myself have fun when I want to as long as I understand why I'm doing it.

I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't go numb every once in a while. I can hear his voice saying to push through it to build a stronger character. I'm done being strong all the time. I need to rest.

I wanted to plan a trip to visit redacted in redacted but I'm starting to rethink that. I'm not sure how he feels about me, but I still have feelings for him. Part of me wishes I didn't. I stopped having feelings after he cheated on me, but they came back around and I haven't been able to get past them. I was hoping to clear things up with him in person but now I'm not sure. He told me his dad is thinking of moving back to redacted. If that happens then I can't stay with him. I could, but I'd have to sleep on the couch. He still hasn't come out to his dad, which is ok if he's not ready, but I don't know if I want to be with someone who's not out publicly yet. He and I aren't even together right now but we still talk on the phone and flirt. I don't know what that all means to him though. I doubt I'm the only one he talks to. And I know I have to be okay with that. I'm talking to other people right now but none of it means anything real. It's all lust, a distraction, temporary fun to make me feel good and forget about my troubles. But none of it is meaningful. I genuinely enjoy talking to redacted. There's so many good aspects to him/us together, but I know I'd be settling with the way he is now. He seems so jaded with life and it's unfortunate to see. I would love to share my excitement with him. I believe I have enough for the both of us. But I would like him to spark his own joy in life. Anyway, it's a lot to consider with him and I'm getting a bit tired right now.

I should start winding down for bed. I have a long day planned for tomorrow. I'm experiencing so much. Maybe I should journal multiple times a day. That would be interesting. I'll try it out on days I have more time. I'm glad I've been able to write as much as I have so far. It'll all make for a really good true story one day. I haven't even scratched the surface of everything yet. I'll start including more details about my journey here. I'm going to get some rest for now.