10.28.25 // 1:26am-2:39am

I'm allowing myself to fall into the distractions. Spending time with "men". I don't like silence right now. I need a break or I'm going to break.

I tried powder again and I actually felt something this time. I missed doing drugs. I don't care about being sober anymore. Clearly. It made me feel energized and my mind is clearer. It's easier to focus and function. This is what I've been looking for. I started feeling numb when I was driving home. I don't want to deal with any responsibilities right now. I don't want to feel. This is unfortunate. I'm just going through the motions. I jump at any distraction so I don't have to think about what really matters. At some point I won't be able to avoid this anymore.

I feel a slight disconnect occurred with myself. I think things would be better if I rested and healed instead of looking for vices. I made this happen. I knew where this would lead. I'm just along for the ride. Nobody knows what's happening in my life. I can't tell anyone what I'm doing. They would worry and ask questions and try to help. I don't want help right now. I just want to be loved. I know that I am by some people.

I don't know or understand what real love is. I can't comprehend how someone who claimed to love me so much decided to discard me. I wanted to stay but i knew this was coming. I wish our relationship could stay. I miss the connection we had. I know we'll talk again at some point so that helps a bit. I don't like how hurt I am. I don't know why it had to be this way, but I will learn when it's time. I just have to be patient with this one. Heal slowly. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about this. I tried but they don't know the full story. No one ever will. Even he and I hold different versions of the same story. I hope one day he's willing to sit with me and tell his story. Maybe we can be friends again one day. I hope so. We used to talk so often. It sucks not being able to talk to him about anything. I miss him so much. The version of him I knew inside, beyond the ego and the trauma. I wonder how he views me now. I suppose it doesn't matter. He never got to see the real me. That's unfortunate but he never took the time to ask questions about me even when given the opportunity. I still haven't watched or listened to the recordings I have with him. I think that would lead me to a bottle.

I keep avoiding all of this mostly because I don't want to fall off track. I'm already getting off track though. I did powder. I slept with men I probably shouldn't have. Maybe if I rip it off like a bandage that'll speed up the process. It'll hurt a lot, and I'll probably do more drugs, but it'll be done. Not fully, but the first step will be done. I just have to face my emotions. I don't want to do it alone but I might have to. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. It's my shit to deal with and they wouldn't understand anyway. Maybe they would. I don't know. My heart hurts so much. I'm trying my best to numb it but I can still feel it.