11.02.25 // 1:15am-3am

I've been doing powder and it's been great while I use it but the come down is interesting to experience. I haven't let myself come down since starting, but I'm running low and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get it again. That worries me. I'm not ready to stop. I really want to do another line but I'm running low. It'll probably only last me another day. I'm already feeling more irritated. I don't like that.

redacted video called me at 12:59am, we were on the phone for 27min. I didn't feel like talking. I wanted to, but not while I'm going through this. He's sober and I don't know how he'd react to me using again. He would probably try to get me sober again but I don't want that right now and I don't want him to worry. I just told him I'm going through something and I don't want to share what it is because I have to deal with it alone. He seemed concerned but told me not to let one bad day turn into a bad week. Maybe if I show up better next time we talk he'll just think I had a bad day. I know he means well.

I don't want anyone trying to save me while I don't want saving. I don't want to hurt anyone trying to help me. No one will help me if they don't know. I've been through this before, I can go through it again. I just want to keep using it until I get my routine situated. I'm making progress. I'll be starting to meal prep again and work out. I'm keeping a pocket journal to document everything I'm consuming. I have been consuming more drugs than food for a large portion of my life and I need to change that. I hope putting everything on paper will help me see things more clearly.

I need to start treating my body better. It's the only one I have. I do like the drugs for right now though. As long as they help me function and progress everything else. I was going through so much my brain couldn't process it all. Well, it could, but I didn't want to deal with all that when I have more important things to work on.

Anyway, enough of that. I need to start documenting more of the good that happens as well. I helped redacted with his first T shot! I also educated him and redacted about the dosing/how often to take it. I bought him alcohol pads and band aids. It felt nice to be a part of that moment. I was able to be someone I wish I had during that time. redacted made a comment along the lines of, "How did you do that yourself?" I just laughed it off, but it made me think. I realized I was able to get through it by myself because I had to. It was either doing it by myself or not at all. It was something I needed to do.

I made an appointment at the redacted to get started again. I'm excited. I hope my blood work comes out okay. I'm slightly concerned about my health but it'll be okay. I'm making improvements every day. I started meal prepping and will continue when I wake up.

I organized the pantry and took mental note of what I can make for the week. Current plan is Mexican rice, sauteed cabbage, vegetable soup with noodles. I already made egg salad and sauteed zucchini/yellow squash. I will gladly cook as long as people eat it. I also made mashed potatoes and the kids ate most of them. The remainder fit into a sandwich size ziplock bag. I put them in the freezer for now. I'm going to fry them when I make time. It's something I've been wanting to try. It seems simple enough to get it right on the first attempt.

Alright, enough of that. I need to get some rest soon. Writing helped me get through the rest of the night without doing another line. I'll see how long I'm willing to go tomorrow before taking a line. I have a busy day tomorrow. Meal prep, laundry, open mic, post a video, door dash. My head is starting to feel weird. I should lay down and get some rest. Thank you for listening.