11.05.25 // 11:29pm-12:27am

I'm tired of dealing with men. I had to keep pushing redacted to have a conversation about us. He said he's done because of the betrayal. I don't understand that because we're both single and he kept making comments about me finding someone else. When I confronted him about that he said he was joking because he knew I wouldn't do that. I don't like that he planted those seeds in my brain. He also said it's how I did it that's an issue. I used my body to get drugs. I understand that I fucked up there but I recognize that and stopped doing it.

I honestly don't care anymore. I love him. If he wants to work things out then we can give it a shot. If not, I'll do what I have to so I can move on from him. I don't want to just be friends. Things would turn into catching up every now and then but it wouldn't feel the same. He told me he had a surprise planned for when I went out there. He said he was going to ask me to stay with him and tell people about us. I cant tell if he was telling the truth. He's saying he's so hurt. I'm trying to understand where that's coming from. I didn't want to tell him about what I did, but I wanted to be honest with him because I genuinely started thinking maybe we could be partners. Maybe it's just my toxic attachment style talking. I should talk to redacted about all of this because I know she'll tell me what I need to hear. Maybe that's what I need to snap out of it.

I tried calling redacted back right now. He said he's out and he'll text me later to see if I'm still awake. I hate that all this is happening. It's so stupid. I deserve a man who can have open, honest conversations and be understanding of my perspective. He's not being the type of person I'd even consider as a partner right now. I don't think I should have a partner right now. That usually complicates things. Maybe it's because of the men I choose. I need to stop lowering my standards. This is what happens when I lower them. Let this serve as yet another reminder to never settle for anything less than the best.

I want a life long partner. Someone to grow with. Someone to experience life with. Why is that so hard to find. Being my partner is an important role to occupy. I can't keep giving that to just anyone. I'm just tired of doing this alone.

I need to learn how to appreciate my solitude again. It's such a precious thing. You have complete freedom of how you want to spend your time. Anyway, I had to get that out. There's more but I'll share as we go. Moving on for now.

I got a part time job at redacted. Start training tomorrow. I'm excited to have a stable stream of income again. I'll have funds to invest into Creators Perspective. I'll have time during my shift to work on any of my various endeavors. Glad I don't have to do redacted anymore. Someone recognized me while I was picking up an order. It was a really nice feeling.

Well, I'm getting sleepy, my eyes are starting to close. I'll write more soon. Until next time.